June 15, 2006

Are there Any Jobs Americans Won’t Do? Read On!

By Donald A. Collins

We hear so many advocates of so-called "comprehensive" immigration reform like our President opining about jobs Americans won’t do. Hence, they quickly add, there is an urgent need for millions of illegal immigrants to fill those tasks.

However, a web site I came across recently, CareerBuilder.com, really opened my eyes to jobs that Americans are doing willingly and even happily—because, Mr. President, they are being properly paid.

Here is a sample of just five!

The site recently asked

"Think your job is disgusting? From the gastroenterologist who spends his days deep in the bowels of patients, to the crime-scene cleaner who scrapes human remains off ceilings, here's a look at five careers that are hard on the stomach—and just might make your job seem like a day at the beach!" [ America's Dirtiest Jobs]

Port-a-Potty Cleaners: Those who do this work in crews who do some 10 to 60 potties a day, commencing with picking up toilet paper and ending with a power wash of scalding water, a scrub, a squeegee and then a deodorizing spray! These crew members get yearly wages of $50,000 plus in some cases, medical, dental and optical benefits! Many are waiting in line to be hired.

Gastroenterologists: Then there’s this MD guy who plumbs the depths of the human intestine. Those who do it, love it! One MD is quoted as saying: "It's like a computer game with a start and finish point—and you might find things along the way like polyps that you have to pull off. It requires a lot of manual dexterity and the challenge is quite fun." How does up to $800,000 a year sound?

Crime Scene Cleaner: Not quite as high priced and perhaps somewhat mentally disturbing. After all, cleansing walls of blood and guts, ripping out stained carpeting and dealing with decomposed bodies or loose remains of victims can get one's attention. Especially wearing special equipment like a hazmat suit, respirator and chemical-spill boots.

While the starting salary is only $35,000, CareerBuilder notes that "in a few years it can jump to $80,000 in a big city (read: high-crime market). Those in private practice make more, as each assignment pays between $500 and $5,000. (We only hope mental health counseling benefits are included.)"

Exotic Dancer: Ah, admittedly, there are many jobs many Americans are not qualified to do. For example, me, at 75 and slightly overweight, I am not likely to survive an audition for casting in a revival of The Full Monty. One obvious example is being an exotic dancer. Again I rely for this inside the G-string information on CareerBuilder, which points out that "the adult entertainment industry is often not a person's first career choice and its customers can range from unwholesome to downright unhygienic. While at certain clubs, an exotic dancer can earn up to $2,500 in tips a night, most times, things don't go so well." Watch out, you gorgeous creatures seeking easy money!

Odor Judge: Finally, as the redoubtable CareerBuilder notes, "Science is full of inquisitive minds that revel in performing jobs others wouldn't touch with a 10-foot pole. According to Popular Science magazine, the very worst is that of odor judge." They are in demand from mouthwash companies, who employ them in their research labs, where, halitosis-inflicted subjects blow into their faces before and after using the product to test its efficacy.

Imagine being called, as recently two brave researchers were, to help determine the most malodorous component of human flatus and the role it plays in disease. "In the study, 16 subjects volunteered to eat pinto beans and have their gas syringed into a discrete container. The odor judges then sat down with more than 100 samples, opened the caps one at a time, inhaled and rated just how noxious the smell was."

CareerBuilder did not learn what the researchers paid these valiant judges. But I know that it would be difficult to pay enough for me to do that. Perhaps there are actually jobs Americans won’t do—along with everyone else on the planet?

So, Mr. President, don’t be so certain that there are jobs Americans won’t do.

I think it’s called paying for performance, something that you—and the cheap labor crowd who pay for your Administration—apparently feel our American citizens don’t deserve.