You knew the good folks over at The Onion would comment on the teachers strike from the Chicago Public School system

Chicago Public Schools Celebrate Third Straight Day Without Any Student Violence, Sept. 12, 2012

CHICAGO—Jubilant Chicago Public Schools officials announced Wednesday that, for three straight days now, there has not been a single act of student violence in any of the city’s 675 public schools. “Our classrooms and hallways are safer now than they’ve ever been,” said CPS chief executive Jean-Claude Brizard, happily noting that there have been no reported instances of beatings, stabbings, sexual assaults, or shootings in any of the city’s public schools this week.[ More]

Because there are no students!

Recall that of the 400,000+ students attending CPS schools, less than 9 percent of them are white (44 percent are Hispanic and 40 percent are Black). Like most of the articles in The Onion, this satirical piece on Chicago Public Schools isn’t far off the mark.

Consider this article from The Huffington Post

Chicago Public School Students Face Racial Discipline Gap: Education Department, March 6, 2012:

In Chicago public schools, black students receive harsher punishments for in-school infractions than white students, a fact that mirrors a nationwide trend, according to data released by the U.S. Department of Education Tuesday. The report paints a startling picture of racial disparities in how students are disciplined in schools across the country.

In Chicago, white students comprised three percent of suspensions — and 10 percent of the total student population — but black students, who had a larger overall representation at 42 percent, comprised 76 percent of the city's school suspensions. The data show that in 2009 to 2010, Chicago suspended the third largest percentage of black students among the country's 20 biggest school districts. [More]

Of course, the black students misbehaving is never, ever their fault—we just have to find new, advanced methods of convincing the dwindling percentage of white kids in the CPS system to disrupt the flow of learning at rates that are comparable to the black kids.

Violence at schools in Chicago is nothing new, and with the teachers strike comes a reprieve in the state-sponsored (and tax-payer funded) day-care system that is provided to the primarily fatherless households of the Second City.

That’s basically what the K-12 Education system in Chicago: glorified babysitters (and hey, with an average salary of $76,000 for a teacher, it beats the starting salary for a correctional officer at the Cook County Jail, which starts at only $45,000/k a year) in a low-level detention facility.

Just look at this breakdown of life at a high school in Chicago (though, of course, the majority black and Hispanic students – and parents – are never to blame for the blight, violence, and low property values of their neighborhoods: we can blame whitey for that) from The Chicago Reporter

Chicago Public Schools: Expulsions Rise, But Safety Issues Persist, September 24, 2007

Last April, Monique came to school the way she did most days, with books in hand and a razor blade in her mouth. The 14-year-old believed the razor, held precariously under her tongue, would protect her from the dangers of her neighborhood near the Cabrini-Green public housing development.

Monique, who asked that her real name not be used because she fears disciplinary action, is now a sophomore at a Chicago public high school. She began carrying the razor last winter, she said, after a man made sexual advances to her on her way to school.

On that April day, a school security officer saw her pull the razor from her mouth and took her to the principal's office. She is now awaiting a hearing that may result in her expulsion.

If that happens, Monique will join the 558 public school students who have been expelled since 1995 for serious acts of misconduct, such as possession of weapons or narcotics. All have been referred to one of 54 alternative high schools.[ More]

Considering that in the Cook County jail the inmates are behind bars, perhaps the teachers are being paid at a fair market value. Being a teacher in Chicago Public Schools is a scary proposition, especially when Mayor Rahm Emanuel wants to tie teacher evaluations to the performance of students on standardized test [Mind the Gap: The Chicago Public Schools Teachers Strike and Racial Realities, SBPDL, September 12, 2012] . With a school system that is 92% non-white (and precariously low on Asians), having 25 percent of your teacher evaluation tied to standardized test scores would be a one-way ticket to a starting salary of $45,000 as a lowly correctional officers in the Cook County jail.

But then again, being a Chicago Public School teacher… that might be a smart career move for having your insurance premiums lowered, though your on-the-job hazard pay might be lower.

Once again, The Onion gets it right.