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Obama`s Acceptance Speech
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October 10, 2009, 04:21 AM
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Here is the text of former President Barack Obama`s farewell address, which he delivered before departing in the interstellar battlecruiser that landed next to the Washington Monument this morning:
I am both surprised and deeply humbled by the decision of the Milky Way Senate to honor me by naming me Galactic Overlord.

Let me be clear. I do not view my apotheosis as Supreme Imperator of the Nine Million Subjugated Planets as a recognition of my own accomplishments, but rather as an affirmation of Milky Wayling leadership on behalf of aspirations held by sentient life-forms across the entire local cluster of galaxies.

To be honest, I do not feel that I deserve to be in the company of so many of the transformative figures who`ve been honored by the Overlordship, the men, the women, the self-fertilizing asexuals, the androids, the telepathic hive minds, and the cybernetic avatars who`ve inspired me (during the half an hour I`ve been aware of their existence) and inspired the entire galaxy through their courageous pursuit of extending the Milky Way`s hegemony over the Lesser Magellanic Cloud.

But I also know that my aggrandizement reflects the kind of galactic cluster that all Milky Waylings want to build, a cosmic imperium that gives life to the promise of our founding documents, such as, uh, that gold-plated record with Johnny B. Goode on it that Carl Sagan shot out of the solar system on a space probe ... plus, no doubt, some other stuff.

And I know (or, to be precise, I have been informed by Grand Vizier Xzthmpq over the past 15 minutes) that throughout history the Galactic Overlordship has not just been used to honor specific achievement; it`s also been used as a means to give momentum to a set of causes, such as the total enslavement and/or annihilation of the Andromeda Galaxy.

And that is why I will accept my exaltation, as I`ve accepted so many promotions in the past, not just as a convenient way to fail upward (although I do wish to extend my sincerest hope to the Altgeld Gardens community that somebody will finally get them organized for a change), but as a call to action, a call for, uh ... let me check the Teleprompter here ... a call for all higher species to confront the common challenges of the 3,452nd eon of the Galactic Empire.

And for those doubters who whisper that I`m not qualified for these new responsibilities, that my tenure as Galactic Overlord will prove as unimpressive as all my previous careers, that I will soon require yet another promotion to escape the consequences of my inevitable mediocrity in this new job, let me point out that David Axelrod is already spinning my image in infinite parallel universes.